Today, as I am alone, is a day of remembering you. Visiting cherished times in my life spent with you. From the beginning...to right now. You have always been a part of me, whether we have had an opportunity to acknowledge that to each other or not. I am your daughter, from your womb, bearing the imprint of your genetics in my body, in my emotions, in my soul. Similar in many ways, yet different too, as half of me is Dad.
I love thinking of the times as a little girl you taught me to read, to crochet, to play games, and to study and learn things. How you comforted me when my insecurity and fears brought me to tears and sleeplessness. How you were there to help me when my heart was breaking over Dana and his craziness when I was a teenager. How you traveled to Texas so many times to visit me and help with home projects. How we had travel adventures across the country and world. Even to this last visit -how we shared some of our heartfelt feelings concerning our spiritual lives.
You are an amazing woman and mother. I only wish that I had spent more time getting to know your inner workings and sharing in more of your life as I was growing up and also as a grown-up. You are a bit of a mystery to me. As I straightened up your house and organized things I realize how music has been the number one theme in your life. From childhood to 88 years later music is at the heart of you. It fills your filing cabinets, your notebooks, your bookcases- music is all around. I wish I had something that defined me in such an exceptional way.
Now, as your life winds down, and things are harder to remember and focus on...I want you in this moment to know how I love you, admire you, am proud of you and desire to be closer to you.
While organizing your desk, I ran across a little memo you had written to yourself that I found insightful-
We cannot know, ever, what the course of our lives is to be, nor even with certainty where the next moment will take us. It is subject to change. But to know that, after all, is to know a great deal.
We all have a beginning and an end. Everything in-between is unknown, subject to change as you stated. I am thankful for having a beginning, being born. I am thankful for the life you and Dad have given me- even in the hard and difficult moments. I am thankful to the Lord for promising me an end that will be with Him for eternity. I pray that during this time of your life you can rest in His comfort, knowing He is in control of our seemingly uncontrolled lives.
Words cannot really express all the tender thoughts, feelings and memories I have of you.
Just KNOW, I love you Mom.
Mom and me-1995