It has been almost nine weeks since Cookie died. My heart still aches and when I think of her or look at her photos I cry. But not as much. Time does lessen the grief, just as it did with Biskit. I find myself still waiting for her bark to come into the house, making her little whining sounds to get my attention and try to figure out what she wants, looking at me for some more treats, wanting up on the footstool in the TV room, slowly thumping down the stairs one by one each morning to find me, hopping around when she had a little burst of old age energy. Habits I miss. Although she was old, she still had a lot of spunk and life in her. Although I knew her last days were approaching I was not ready to say goodbye. She was not ready to die.
Sometimes I think that I almost want to hurt, to cry, to miss, to mourn. Maybe to remind myself of my love for her. Maybe because I feel guilty if I don't grieve? I am not sure.
I just want another chance to groom her, to hug her, to give her the towel rub-a-dub when she comes in wet from outside, to give her another greenie, to stick my nose in her fur and kiss her, to speak sweet nothings into her little ears... I want one more time. It would always be that way...just one more. Never enough.
I am ready for that to happen with my parents. My dad almost 92 and my mom 88. Their life is winding down and I know, as I did with Cookie, that death is around the corner. I walk with that knowledge, yet still hoping for another visit, another card game, another puzzle to make, another conversation to be had, another photo to take. I leave tomorrow for a three week visit with them. It may be my last.
I know the Lord has all of our times appointed. He is in charge of life and death. Heaven and Hell.
I can't change anything.... but being a creature of earth and time, I still want to hold on to those I love.
Just one more time.....