To have and not to have. I am unaccustomed to emotional roller coasters and the mental and emotional stress that accompanies the "ride". I believed when Mike and I decided on retiring and moving to Sedona that finding and purchasing a home would be the easy part and the actual move would overcome me. Not so. After more than a month, two trips to Sedona, two houses with deals, lots of money and effort, and two deals gone bad, I find myself mentally drained and darkly depressed. I had "moved" into 70 Johnny Guitar Circle. The rooms were decorated with our furnishings, filled with our art, dog beds placed, daily walk route mapped, new purchases made, construction of a deck done and I was enjoying our Sedona dream.
Dream is the key word, followed by depressed. I have been apprehensive of moving. So much money, so many variables, so far away. Tons of prayer. After looking at dozens of homes by our self and with the Realtor, we came up with only 3 places that met our criteria. One sold the day after viewing it leaving the other two to consider. The Calle del Norte property was being sold "as is" with many problems yet at full price. Our negotiations fell through with the sellers who are in the midst of a divorce and unable to come to terms with each other or us. Now, left with the third property, our last choice, 70 Johnny Guitar Circle. A beautiful home, but not without issues. Lots of stairs for one, since the garage is beneath the house and a huge decaying deck that would need immediate replacement. We determined to proceed, agreed on a price with the seller and journeyed out to Sedona to finish up the details; home inspection, bank loan, insurance, and other paper work stuff. I was excited, it was a done deal in my mind and a dream come true. I had my new Sedona home!
The home inspection burst my bubble to put it mildly. It felt like it crushed my skull. The home, though beautiful on the surface, having many areas newly updated, was filled with rats and termites, had a badly installed roof, and an air conditioning and heating system that was over 40 years old. The rats had infiltrated the duct work through out the structure, which meant it would ALL need to be torn out and replaced in order to make it safe/healthy to live in. YUK. That problem alone almost made Mike and I turn away from the deal. But we decided to get estimates for these major problems and ask the seller to make allowances for the repairs.
The short answer is she said NO.
I was shocked at this response. Who would buy a rat/termite infested home, a home with an unsafe deck, an antiquated heating system, faulty roof? But it is her home, not mine. That is the hard part. Not being able to talk to the seller. Not being able to negotiate reasonably....not being able to move into the house in "real time" and make it mine.
I can't believe how hard this is for me to accept and move on. I feel deflated, depressed and REALLY tired. I feel a sense of hopelessness, a sense of needing to just "let it go" and not able to. After all it is only a house, not like loosing a loved one, or my health, or my job, or any of the millions of really significant things in life.
I know the answer is in the Lord. I have been relying on my own strength, intellect, planning, etc. these past weeks. Thinking I am in charge when He is. I have not spent time with Him. Not immersed myself in His truth, asking for His wisdom and guidance and strength. I have avoided church today because I can't handle discussing my disappointment with others. Pitiful I know.
I ask the Lord for help now. To renew a right spirit within me. His Spirit that can comfort and counsel me.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverb 3:5
To have and not to have. I don't have the home in Sedona, but I do have eternal life with Christ, the creator of all things. I need to treasure that priceless truth.